[Music] [Music] I always told Sara and our children that I was only afraid of death nothing else frightened me not even Heights or spiders only the inevitability of one day facing my own mortality I don't fear it anymore no I welcome it I beg for it in these everlasting unending moments there is no rest for me as I can't sleep I'm forced to stay awake and listen for my resting place accompanied in this void by the constant beating of my heart it is a curse and I don't know what I did to deserve such a fate my family can't hear me because they believe that I'm already dead I hear them when they visit me no they treat my resting place as the confessional sharing their most intimate thoughts and beliefs as though they are speaking to no one at all but no I hear them I have no choice it is a small gift that over these long years these visits have become so less frequent Sara was the first to stop visiting she begged for forgiveness and understanding as she had finally relented to our children's wishes and moved on from our union their stepfather was kind to them and they were both on the path to truly seeing him as a father I'm sure that you would want me to move forward she told me unable to hear my silent protests he keeps me safe he makes me happy daggers to my still-beating heart I don't think I've wished for death more than I did that day if only to end my constant suffering Michael was the second to stop visiting he admitted to resented me to hating me for not being there to teach him how to be a man he blamed me for his own immaturity it pained my heart when Rini stopped by recently to here for my resting place that my daughter walked down the aisle with her stepfather instead of me that she was expecting her first child in the coming months she had the audacity to pray that I would be there to watch over my granddaughter guiding her as she enters the world I'm so desperate to leave I Spit on her prayers really believed in her more candid moments of confession that she was the only one to care for me after all these years she saw her more frequent visits to my resting place as a badge of honor something to brag to her friends about because it made her feel like a good person if she wished to honor her father's memory she would have pulled the plug years ago but of course she insists that I wouldn't want that which I suppose is my own fault he was only ever afraid of one thing she'd tell the nurses I know he'll never wake up but this this is what my father would have wanted [Music]